The Birth of Puke


On May 30th , 2020, after the first six weeks of living with the city and state-mandated stay-at-home orders I posted the following to Facebook…

After the COVID times, I have a dream to start a fantastically successful punk rock restaurant called “Puke.” True story. Real goals. I’ll need a partner who’s a chef, plus a bartender who does not give a fuck. No wankers. (obviously)

The very next day, I decided to launch an imaginary version of Puke, and invited all of my Facebook friends to participate. This is the story of Puke, from that very first day. You’ll have to scroll WAAAAY down to start at the beginning, or just start scrolling back through time,


IMPORTANT NOTE: Much of the hilarity and the “world building” around Puke has happened / continues to happen organically in spontaneous banter between me and my friends in the comment threads of each post. I have not cut ‘n’ pasted those comments to this page, because that would be almost impossible, and probably too much for y’all to read anyways. So below you will find my posts and captions only, which I hope you will find amusing enough!


June 22 2020

HONGRY FOR LONCH?

try our bento box

$3.99

Box not included.


June 22 2020

Brekafast is served!

BYO Ketchup.

We’re all out.

All we have is catsup.

Fucking gross.

We opened at 5am?


June 21 2020

TRY OUR LATE NIGHT MENU!

Frankly, I think our night shift is running out of ideas.

But, I love the profit margin on this one, so come on down!

PS – BYO dollar bill


June 21 2020

Fuck.

Delicious Fish Fry is finally open. I think.

The door was unlocked anyways.

There’s no one in here but me.

And this guy.

Hello?


June 21 2020

Feeling a might poorly after attending last night’s Klandemic Rally in Tulsa?

Some chicken soup for the soul is always the best thing to fix what’s ailin’ ya!

Ours is served cold, in a clear broth, and comes with several shots of whatever hard liquor you want, on the house.

PS – BYO hard liquor. We like gin.


June 21 2020

Brekafast is served!

It only looks… and smells… like a turd.

$3.99


June 20 2020

So… Puke got robbed today. Fortunately the only thing he took was a Tshirt.

Then he sent us this selfie. Nice!

If you also robbed us of a Tshirt, please post selfies!

We love them.

[the “thief” turned out to be our Chef.]


June 20 2020

How do you like my new Puke shirt?


June 20 2020

Brekafast is served!

We’re not open yet.

Back door is unlocked.

Made these last night.

Help yourselves.


June 19 2020

The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here! Oh, wait. These are just fuckin Puke shirts.

Boooorrring!

[Thank you Asheville Screen Printing!]


June 19 2020

Dinner Special! $3.99

Chef says tomato gelatin is underutilized.

We asked, “is it?”

. __ .

. __ .

– __ –

. __ .

Anyhoo…

Don’t get too excited about that garnish. It’s just for show.

And made out of plastic.

Also, don’t get your hopes up about that plate either, this shit comes in a cup.

A to-go cup.

No lid.

We’re open from 7:30 to… oh fuck! That was over an hour ago!

Gotta run.


June 19 2020

brekafast is served.

comes with a pickle.


June 18 2020

Tonight’s Drink Special is…

Not sure.

I know there’s booze in it though, because I can smell it from here.

I’m gonna guess it’s gin?

Or not.

Anyhoo, $3.99 gets you all the… fucking… tapeworms and diarrhea confetti…

Fuck me.

This restaurant sucks.

We open the bar at 11:47.

And because, everyone on our staff tested positive for COVID today, we’re gonna close down and do a deep clean as soon as we serve the last of the food in the freezers.

Which stopped working yesterday.

When the power was shut off.

Due to lack of payment.


June 18 2020

try our nachos


June 18 2020

Brekafast is Served!

Quail egg and country ham muffin sando!

Only, that’s not a quail egg.

Or ham.

Muffin not included.

Also chef has banned the word “sando” from the restaurant.

So, come on down! Kids eat free!

PS – No kids allowed.


June 17 2020

Daily Special $3.99!

Savory Slushies! Come get ’em while they thaw!

Our electricity got turned off due to lack of payment, so we have to cook everything in the freezers or it’ll spoil.

But our gas also got turned off due to lack of payment, so we can’t cook anything.

So… Our slushies are off the chain tonight!

Chili con Carne!

Bolognese!

Are just two of my guesses as to WTF this is.

We’re open for dinner at 8:35 and start serving at 10pm.

BYO alcohol.


June 16 2020

Daily Special! $3.99

Chef got fucking BLAAAZZZED and invented the world’s first “Upside Down Frozen Pizza!”

When asked if it’s a Homerun©, Chef replied, “foul ball.”

When asked if it’s a Tombstone©, Chef said, “eat it and find out.”

When asked if it’s a Red Baron©, Chef said “brown bomber.”

When asked if it’s a DiGiorno©, Chef said “Difuckno.”

When asked if it’s a Freschetta©, Chef said, “Get the fuck out of my kitchen right now before I stab you with this fucking knife that I made out of sharpened spoon.”

(Chef spent some time in the care of the state.)

Aaanyhoo, upside down frozen pizza is on the menu at Puke!

We’re open for lunch at 5pm, and for dinner at midnight!

And don’t forget: Tuesday night is Wednesday night, every night at Puke!


June 16 2020

Brekafast is Served!

We’re out of a lot of stuff.


June 16 2020


Like I said, I’m posting all the same Puke imagery on Instagram that I am on Facebook, only without the explanations.

I’m also letting the comments sit unanswered. I might give a comment a ” <3 ” if I like it. Or not.

Why am I treating Instagram so differently? I dunno. Because fuck Instagram, I guess. Never been a huge fan.

When this COVID shit is over, I might go back to posting pretty food pics on Instagram, or not.

Don’t know.

Don’t care.

#pukeavl


June 15, 2020

Every Monday is Taco Night at Puke!

Tonight for Taco Monday, Chef made quesadillas! I think.

I just know this ain’t a taco, and I don’t see anything around here that looks like a taco, and Chef is asleep in the cooler, and I don’t want to wake him, because he gets so little sleep. And he totally sucks when he’s awake.

So, let’s just call this thing a quesadilla!

Don’t even fucking ask me what’s inside.

Come on down to Puke for Taco Monday, the drinks are all $3.99 BYO alcohol, except Smirnoff Ice which we have a SHITLOAD of, so that’s free.

Except those boring fucking assholes at ABC won’t let us give away free booze, so we have to charge you $3.99 for the cup.

BYO cup.

Ours are all dirty.

FUCK! Chef is awake. Gotta go!


June 15 2020

In the continuing effort to populate Puke’s neighborhood with other questionable businesses, here’s Vickey’s Pure gas station.

Everyone calls it “Vicey’s” because the “K” is faded on the sign, and because they cater to almost every human vice that is currently legal in North Carolina. Porn, booze, junk food, lottery tickets, glass pipes, and cigarettes all help pay the rent at Vicey’s, but their biggest money-maker is the methadone clinic in the back.

The gas pumps have been broken since the 1980’s, so don’t even bother.

PS – Puke is embroiled in a legal battle with Vicey’s parent company, Pure, because our name is only one letter away and they’re claiming they own all the letters of the alphabet “in, near, adjacent to, or associated with the word Pure in any way, shape, or form.”

PPS – Our free lawyer says not to worry, as long as we continue to pay her assloads of money, they don’t have a case.

PPPS – That reminds me, please contribute to our yousupportme campaign.


June 14 2020

Fuck. Could this day get any worse?!? Some total wannabes took over the abandoned Friendly’s and just spray painted an “un” on the sign. Lazy fucks. They’re totally stealing our schtick!

I hope our loyal customers know that ***we’re*** the unfriendliest, and don’t ditch us for ice cream.

Like I did.

Their ice cream is fucking GREAT!

They’re gonna totally put us out of business.

One thing for sure though, no one is as punk as Puke.

They were playing some Green Day up in there.

WTF?

I pushed over their gum ball machines in disgust.

So, free gum balls for everyone at UnFriendly’s.

Terrif.

They’re gonna ruin us.

PS – Puke will be open for brunch at 6pm this evening.


June 14 2020

FUCK!
I forgot to announce Free Box Wine Friday!
Oh well.
Come in next Friday!
It’ll be the same box of wine.


June 14 2020

Family. We need your support more than ever.

I finally got to work today (Puke opens at 3:00pm for Brunch!) and what do I see?

A brand new motherfuckin’ restaurant called “Delicious Fish Fry” that isn’t open right across the street from us!

Actually, they’ve been there for a month or so, now that I think about it. But the point is they’re not open, and they’ve never been open.

WTF Y’ALL?!?

Everyone knows that NOT selling fried fish is OUR thing! It says so right on our shirts!

We’re gonna get squeezed out of Long Coxe, I just know it.

So, please, Community, we’re asking you to give Delicious Fish Fry great Yelp reviews, emphasize how awesome the fried fish is, and maybe we can force these corporate fucks to open up and start selling some fucking fried fish!

Only ONE restaurant on Long Coxe Ave is out of fish ‘n’ chips. And that’s Puke, Baby. #eatlocal

PS – “Delicious Fish Fry?” WTF is “fish fry?” LOL I think these idiots spelled “fried fish” backwards!

PPS – The whole front of their building was COVERED in cocaine.

PPPS – Brunch at Puke starts at 4pm.


June 14 2020

THIS JUST IN!


June 14, 2020

SAVE THE DATE!

The annual Long Coxe Block Party is Next Sunday!

Or Monday… the flyer is a little confusing.

Either way, attendance is mandatory! We need all available Puke staff to help us CRUSH the competition in the Dick’s-Puddle Tug-o-War grudge match!

We are not losing to those pasty British wimps over at Pip Pip Cheerio’s!

Again.

Their reign of terror ends NEXT SUNDAY!

Or Monday.

See you there!

PS – Again, if anyone from Puke sees this post, and has a key they can bring me, that would be great.

PPS – We open for Sunday Brunch at 1pm Today!


June 14, 2020

We open for Sunday Brunch at 11:00am this morning!

Oh fuck. It’s already ten past eleven, and I haven’t even taken a shower.

We open for Sunday Brunch at 11:30 this morning!

Our brunch special this Sunday is the same as last Sunday. Literally. This shit been sittin’ there all week, so come eat it, you fucks.

See you soon!

PS – If you work at Puke, and happen to see this post, please bring me your key. I can’t find mine.

PPS – We open for Sunday Brunch at NOON today!


June 13, 2020

And one last Puke post for tonight, just to let you know that blurry drinks are on special all night long!

And I’ll see your sad bony asses on the dance floor, Betches! — with Jim Wade.


June 13, 2020

Back by popular demand!

Disco NIght was always the most popular night of the week at Puke! So we hate it, of course. But we make assloads of money,plus there’s always free lines of coke left on the top of the toilet tanks in every bathroom, so we help ourselves to that and yay!

DISCO DRINK SPECIAL! Jäger shots are free! For anyone who brings a bottle of Jäger. And same goes for Goldschläger if you’re fucking fancy.

DISCO FOOD SPECIAL! There is no food on disco night because these fucking coke heads never eat.

Plus the kitchen staff refuses to work while disco is playing.

Unless it’s ABBA.

Then they refuse to work because it’s ABBA.


June 13 2020

Now hiring. Starting salary negotiable. Please apply in comments below.


June 13, 2020

FINALLY something healthy on the menu at Puke!

Come try Chef’s artichoke medley.

Open for lunch, 3:49pm – 5:25pm, and again for dinner from 10:30pm to 2:15am. And then again for breakfast from 2:30am til five in the fuckin’ morning!


June 13 2020

MEET THE STAPH!

Here at Puke we want you to feel at home, like you’re a part of the family, like you’ve ALWAYS been part of the family.

With that in mind…

Meet Lloyd, best goddamned bartender from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine, or Portland, Oregon, for that matter.

He’s here to serve drinks, make small talk, and help you leave all your work and worries behind! Even if you’re temporarily light, he’ll slip you a bottle of bourbon, a cool glass, and some ice, y’know, a little hair of the dog that bit ya. If he’s not too busy, that is!

So come say hey to Lloyd and all the staff at Puke!

And don’t forget to try your luck with our walk-in freezer beer-bottle topiary maze challenge! No one’s come out the other end yet!


June 12 2020

open til 5am


June 12 2020

A friend of mine just told me that someone else, a third party, who knows that my friend knows me, asked them, “Is Stu Helm okay? Is he depressed? What’s all this Puke stuff about?”

1. I’m fine, thank you for asking.

2. Yeah, I’m depressed as fuck. Who isn’t?

3. Puke is all about having fun together on Facebook, until the day I open Puke for real, which is my actual dream.

And then, of course, the fun stops immediately.


June 12 2020

Sooo, I couldn’t help but notice that the new social media guy didn’t post one fucking thing for Puke while I was relaxing on the crowded beaches of Florida.

So we shit-canned him.

Here’s the daily special. Chef told me to name it, so I’m calling it the “Ida No plate” because I literally don’t know what the fuck it is.

Fish? Is that fish?!?

Chef wouldn’t say.

Asshole.

Anyhoo, it’s $3.99, and comes with something that looks like corn, but smells like beef, and a bun that looks wholewheat, but isn’t. Because, ain’t nothin’ “whole wheat” in this whole restaurant. #facts

So come on down to Puke! We’re open from 2:07pm – 4:13pm and then again from 8:09pm until 5 in the fuckin’ morning!

PS – Plastic utensils not included.

PPS – Don’t expect it to look this nice in person. because it doesn’t.

PPPS – Social media expert wanted. Apply in comments below.


June 9 2020

Y’all, we hired a new social media guy, and he’ll be taking over the Puke account from me starting tomorrow.


June 9 2020

In the on-going effort to populate Puke’s neighborhood with other businesses. I present to you: Gaye’s.

Gaye’s is the local titty bar, not to be confused with Titties, the local gay bar.

Gaye’s is owned and operated by “Aunt Gaye,” who is like the neighborhood den-mother, so we all hate her.

She drives around in a pink cadillac, singing “Pink Cadillac,” and thinks she’s better than everyone else in the neighborhood.

PS – Ever since the “F” fell off the front of the building, we all call it “Oxy Girls,” which makes Gaye furious, so we do it even more.

PPS – Gaye is also the major oxy dealer in our neighborhood if you need some.

PPPS – Titties was a pool hall before it became a gay bar, and we all still play pool there. The other pool hall, Uncle Rufi’s, burned to the ground, but we don’t care, because we never went to Rufi’s anyways. Titties is way cooler.

Fun Fact – “Titties” is the slang term for the bumpers on either side of the side pockets of a pool table. #nowyouknow


June 8 2020

So, at Puke we’re not into public shaming…

But this dumb fuck came in today dressed like a German tourist in town for the international douche-bag convention, complete with toy camera, allllmost a cowboy hat, AND a fucking Pip Pip Cheerio’s T-Shirt!

Y’all. We stole his fish ‘n’ chips, kicked him the fuck out, and hung this picture up behind the register, in our “rogues gallery,” of people who are not welcome back under any circumstances.

Here’s a Tip for Thirsty Travelers: Don’t show up Puke dressed like an asshole.


June 8 2020

Fam. No. After I saw this on the No. 1 Cat Cafe’s Insta page, I am NEVER going back!

So, Robyn Josephs, can you please see if they have my curlers in their lost and found box the next time you’re there? My hair is a shit show.


June 8 2020

DAILY SPECIAL! Y’all, our chef called in sick, but our new mop-guy, Christopher Critter Thomas made this… dish… using… something… we don’t know.

When we asked him what to call it, he just said, “balls,” and we’re not sure if that’s the name of the dish, or just the thing he says when you ask him stuff.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoo, either way, now it’s called “Balls,” and it’s $3.99, and for once, we’ve got plenty of it!

We’re open from 5:37pm until 9:01pm, when we close to deep clean, then we reopen at 9:03pm for disco night!

So come on down to boogie-oogie-oogie, Betches! The balls are on us!

Well, they’re $3.99.

But we’ve got ’em.

For ya. — with Christopher Critter Thomas.


June 7 2020

UPDATE: The dining room is OPEN!!!


June 6 2020

Mrs. Idolatrous lookin’ good! LOL! She walked over from the hotel to drop off a pile of these coasters… I mean postcards… that we will USE as coasters… for the bar at Puke.

She’s bat shit fucking crazy as usual.

#pukeavl


June 6 2020

WTF, Y’all! Those fucking snobs over at Pip Pip Cheerios’s think their FOH is better than ours?!?

Oh. No. They. Didn’t.

Chett Spinney, get the jarts. It’s American Revolution Part Deux: The Pukening.

Those British-speaking fucks are gonna regret the day they launched this social media campaign worse than they regretted Waterloo, Bitches!


June 6 2020

ha ha! I found this old ad from back when Puke first opened in 2008! The most hilarious part is that the minimum wage in North Carolina hasn’t gone up since we hired the young stud seen in this picture (Steven Goff) 12 years ago! It’s still $7.25!!! True story! Bwahahaha!

(sigh)

Capitalism.

Anyhoodles, we’re in desperate need of kitchen staff of all kinds, but can only afford one person, and a cot.

PS – It’s hard to believe that Puke has been around for 12 years already! Time flies.


June 6 2020

NOW HIRING! We need at least 20 servers. Please apply below!


June 6 2020

Family, we need your support!

It looks like the chains have finally discovered Long Coxe Ave. as our local indie media, Citizen Tim, is reporting that a fucking Pastamania is opening right across the street from Puke! We’re fucked.

We’re going to try to keep our prices low and our quality high, but I’m afraid we’ve been forced to implement $39.99 up-charge for anyone who says the word “Pastamania” anywhere in or near our fucking restaurant.

SUPPORT LOCAL!


June 6 2020


It seems like some of the normies who follow my Stu Helm: Food Fan page don’t really get Puke, so I’m pulling it back over here to my personal page entirely. (And on Instagram, where it is posted sans explanation!) Those joyless fucks don’t deserve Puke if they don’t get the jokes. Some lady tried to complain to me yesterday that it’s not funny to suggest that parents should tie their kids up outside the restaurant while they come inside to drink cocktails made out of vomit and beer. C’mon, Lady. Is there ANYTHING funner?!?


June 5 2020

Puke is a very family friendly restaurant!

Of course, children are not allowed to come inside of Puke, but we do keep water dishes and a hitching post outside. Plus we have games, like a giant jenga set with all… most… some… three… of the pieces for them to play with! And corn hole, made with real corn! (hole not included)

Shout out to Rachel, a regular customer who snapped this adorable picture of her daughter “enjoying” our delicious “Carolina Calamari,” one of the most popular “BYO Hot Dog” dishes from our new kidS menu! It’s the only dish, actually.

PS – We’re all out of shells and cheddar.

So, basically, tie your kids up outside, give them a hot dog you brought with you, and come inside to drink!

Only you can’t come in either, because COVID.

See you soon!


June 5 2020

DAILY SPECIAL: $3.99!

We’re calling today’s special the “Stealth Meat Plate.” (plate not included)


June 5 2020

At Puke the drinks practically make themselves!

And in this case, that is literally true! We found a ton of “clunkers” leftover after the staff party we had last night to celebrate hiring our new dishwasher, who passed away from COVID-19 early yesterday afternoon. Hence all the Corona.

Anyhoo, Corona sucks, so almost nobody drank it, so this morning we just, like, married the beer clunkers to the cocktail clunkers, and Ta-daaaa! Drink special.

And yes, it is the rare occasional when our drink specials come with their own alcohol! And cigarettes.

And possibly vomit.


June 4 2020

Kind of an old story, but at Puke we do like to brag about our neighbors. Even though we hate them.


June 4 2020

Today at Puke we are paying homage to the great institutions of learning with our brand new “Brain Power Super Lunch!”

Whether you’re a college student hitting the books and accruing debt, or a kindergardener having a full blown a tantrum, this lunch will not only fill your stomach, but expand your mind, with such smart foods as: Rice! Vegetables! And something brown that looks like nuggets, we’re not sure what kind!

The good news is that the Chocolate milk is real chocolate! The bad news: We’re not entirely convinced that it’s milk. The neither-good-nor-bad news: It’s not included anyways.

Also, tray not included.

And we’re out of vegetables.

1% of all sales will be donated to Asheville Middle School!


June 3 2020

Y’all, I just got this text. WTF??? The person ghosted me afterward, but I think those AntiFa commie bastard baristas at the cat café might have Dee Dee Ramone!

Only… they don’t drink Moscow Mules… but they know Dee Dee Ramone does!

Community, I need your help. If you see Dee Dee Ramone at a bar with communists feeding him mules, call Puke right away!

We will kick their asses and get our dog!

#deedecomehome


June 3 2020

Puke’s Neighborhood!

I’ve been doing what fancy writers call “world building” of the neighborhood around Puke, populating it with other imaginary businesses as they come up in my responses to people’s comments on my posts. So far in Puke’s neighborhood we have…

The Idolatrous Hotel and Restaurant – Our bitter rivals, although we all eat and drink there because it’s better than Puke. Way better. Old Mrs. Idolatrous hates us, mostly because we are horrible neighbors, but we spend our money at her bar with frequency so she tolerates our presence.

Pip Pip Cheerio’s – Our bitter rivals, although we all eat and drink there because it’s also way better than Puke. Plus, they have Fish ‘n’ Chips. Duh. It’s a British Pub, so they’re snobby as fuck and watch soccer, which means nobody goes there. Except us.

No. 1 Cate Cafe – The cat cafe up the street. We’re banned because our pit bull Hail Satan took a shit in a cat box. A really big one. The shit was really big, not the box. The box was quite small, turns out. As you all know, Hail Satan died in a Facebook thread the other day. RIP “He was a good boy… but he also kinda sucked.”

The Dollar Forty Seven Store – Most of the food we have is locally sourced from the Dollar Forty Seven Store, where everything is a $1.47.

Dick’s Liquor – Dick’s is a 24/7 liquor store with a stand-up bar inside (no stools) that mostly services construction workers, postal carriers, and derelicts, including the staff and customers of Puke. They sell half-pints, and I definitely recommend that you try to be the person who drinks the first half.

I’ll keep going, adding neighbors as we continue to have fun with our fake restaurant!

BTW – Just in case you’re wondering, yes, I’ve lost my damn mind.


June 3 2020

We had a staff meeting, and we’re not giving up on Dee Dee Ramone! #deedeecomehome


June 3 2020

ANNOUNCEMENT! At PUKE we’re up at the crack of dawn, working our asses off, so that we may provide to you the most important meal of every day: BREKAFAST!

The bacon and eggs were both sourced locally from the Dollar Forty Seven store! So, we had to throw them away for being past the expiration date. BUT the beans are awesome!

Only they’re not beans.

And they’re not awesome.

PS – After Hail Satan passed away in a Facebook thread two days ago, we got a new puppy! His name is Dee Dee Ramone, and he’s as cute as can be!

Unfortunately he ran away during the riots, and was last seen begging for change in front of Firestorm with a group of AntiFa crusties… who turned out to be CIA agents… it’s super-complicated, but bottom line: We’re in the market for a new puppy!


June 2 2020

Whether it’s advisable or not, Puke will be open at 8pm tonight, just in time for the curfew! Our drink special is called a “Funyunmosa” and is just Funyuns dissolved in Champagne. Simple. Delicious. Refreshing! Why is it green? No fucking clue.

Please remember that for the time being, we are only selling our mixers, so you’ll have to provide your own bubbles!

Which means we’ll pretty much hand you a bag of Funyuns through a broken window and a cloud of tear gas.

Also, we’re all out of Funyuns, so the drink special tonight is basically tear gas.

You might wanna stay home.


June 2 2020

When ordering the “I Didn’t Do It!” special, please keep in mind that the fork is not included. And we’re still BYO hot dogs for the time being. And we ran out of baked beans. Also, the bread isn’t really part of it, it’s just there for the picture. The kraut is locally sourced from the Dollar Forty Seven Store down the street, though! Where everything is a $1.47.

Bon Appetite!

PS – We’re closed today due to vandalism.

PPS – The people who only follow me on Instagram are getting all the pictures of my Puke campaign without any of the explanations!


June 2 2020

For one glorious moment there was a Puke yelp page with 1 review. Or was there?!? A friend texted me this grainy photo from the grassy knoll, and now there’s no trace. I swear I didn’t do it!


June 1 2020

NEW! Puke it’s now serving late night bites!

Midnight to 5am 7 Days a week!

Menu items starting at $3.99!

Which is also the starting hourly wage we’re offing a late night line cook if you know one who’s desperate for a job. Really hard work. Good resume builder.


June 1 2020

BANDS WANTED! Must be willing to be paid in hot dogs and alcohol. Drop your demos off at the restaurant. CASSETTE TAPES ONLY.
Out of town bands can stay at the Idolatrous Hotel right next door! The rooms suck, but their food is better than ours.


June 1 2020

I just wanted to let you all know that Puke is selling our mixers to-go, just add you’re own champagne! PS – No, the mixers don’t come with umbrellas, that’s just the display model. And yes, you have to provide your own hot dog. Also, we’re currently out of baked beans.

Thank you Rocky Toscano


June 1 2020

Aaaand, I just wanted y’all, my true friends, to be the first people to know that imaginary Puke merch is unavailable NOW!

Made entirely out of pixels, these T-shirts are ultra light, and come in no sizes! Also not available: Puke coffee mugs, fidget spinners, and house made pickles! All sales are final, so use someone else’s credit card to order now!

PS – Both of our sexy models are currently dead, so no dick pics please.


June1 2020

In addition to our regular weekly menu, PUKE will feature daily specials. Please keep in mind when ordering the “Corporate Tentacles Infiltrate Every Aspect of Our Fucking Lives,” plate, that we’re still BYO hotdogs. And we’re all out of shells ‘n’ cheddar.


June 1 2020

Happy June 1st! Puke has a new menu for this week…


June 1 2020

daily special $3.99

Thank you, Scott Young.


May 31 2020

Hey, look everybody! It’s our first customer! #pukeavl

“Ma’am, you can not be bringing your own hot dog in here. Ma’am, it is literally the only thing we sell. Ma’am. MA’AM! Oh…. ok… fine then. Have a seat. Your server will be right over with pitcher of Sour Notes.”


May 31 2020

Whoa! Our imaginary restaurant is already getting covered by the news!


May 31 2020

DINING ROOM OPEN! At Puke we’ve decided to skip ahead to “Phase 99” of the re-open, which is the post-apocalyptic phase, so COME ON DOWN TO PUKE! No lines.

Located next to the Idolatrous Hotel. Ask about our burger special! We don’t have one.

Also, we’re out of fish ‘n’ chips.


May 31 2020

PUKE IS OPEN!

Everyone seemed so excited about PUKE that I thought we should all just have an imaginary punk rock restaurant together. We can build it and trash it and build it again. Don’t care.

Steven Goff you’re my partner in this imaginary restaurant. Sorry.

Savannah Rain you’re my bartender.

I am your host.

There are only two things on the menu so far:

A hot dog based on gg allin.

And a drink that hasn’t been invented yet called “sour notes.”

Sit down, a server might be with you at some point.

PS – Now taking imaginary applications for servers. Must love punk rock music and have at least five dietary restrictions that you are militant about.

Server – “Can I take your order?

Customer – “I guess I’ll have the hot dog.

Server – “Gross.”


May 30 2020


end —

Thanks for reading!

If you want to, no presh, you can tip me for my writing or for whatever reason you want, through Venmo at Stu-Helm, or through Paypal at stuhelmavl@gmail.com


Asheville Food Tours

 


From left: Chef Jacob Sessoms of Table; Chef William Dissen, The Market Place; Chef Steven Goff, Standard Foods; Chef Katie Button, Curate; Chef Joe Scully, Chestnut and Corner Kitchen; Stu Helm; Chef John Fleer, Rhubarb; Chef Karen Donatelli, Donatelli Bakery; Chef Peter Pollay, Posana Cafe; and Chef Matt Dawes, Bull & Beggar./ Photo by STEWART O'SHIELDS for ASHVEGAS.COM

From left: Chef Jacob Sessoms of Table; Chef William Dissen, The Market Place; Chef Steven Goff, Standard Foods; Chef Katie Button, Curate; Chef Joe Scully, Chestnut and Corner Kitchen; Stu Helm; Chef John Fleer, Rhubarb; Chef Karen Donatelli, Donatelli Bakery; Chef Peter Pollay, Posana Cafe; and Chef Matt Dawes, Bull & Beggar./ Photo by STEWART O’SHIELDS for ASHVEGAS.COM

Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.


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