I write and post a lot of lists for my friends on my personal Facebook page that the general public never gets to see. I write “Positive Lists,” lists of “Things to Do,” and lists of “Pets I wish I had but Never Will.” Random shit like that. Since there’s a fuck of a lot less food in my life to write about, I’ve decided to start publishing some of those lists here on my blog for everyone to see. I hope you will enjoy them.
I just wanna say that this ♋️ is my zodiac sign. How fucking cool is that? What’s yours? A squiggle with a line through it? Mine’s a fucking 69, only better, because it’s on its side. Cancer for the win! Plus: It’s called “Cancer.” Most bad ass zodiac sign ever. Thanks, Gods! And now…
1) Masks Give Me Excuse to Not Recognize People – “Oh it’s YOU” just doesn’t sound right when you can totally, clearly, plainly see who it is. Add a mask to the situation, and I’m suddenly less of a dick.
Bonus Batter: Now I can dress like a fucking terrorist. (#maskavl photo contest)
2) Social Distancing Was Already My Preferred Lifestyle – What was once called “anti-social,” is now called “socially responsible.” Just doin’ my part. Always have.
3) Now We Know – Which ten albums influenced the musical tastes of AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL our friends. And their friends. And their friends. And pretty much every human being on the planet Earth. Level complete, World. Good job.
4) Squirrel Update – There is at least one squirrel in my yard who totally knows that the sunflower seeds come from me. It waits for me, looks at me, acts all coy, and then goes straight for the seeds once I walk away. Soon it will be my friend. Matching outfits are inevitable. Does anyone own a tiny top hat that they want to get rid of? And I’ll need one for the squirrel too.
5) Manicomio Pizza & Food – So, I said to Mike, “You know who could use a little love?” and I mentioned Person X. The next thing I know I’m carrying a fucking crate a italian food through the South Slope. Person X was pumped. Mike often says to me, “I wish I could do more,” and then he does more. When this is over, can we build this guy a fuckin’ statue, or at least replace “Vance” with “Pizza Mike” on Asheville’s penis? (PS – For those of you not familiar with the Vance Monument, Asheville has a obelisk dedicated to a racist in the middle downtown.)
6) Bears Have Returned to the Canals of Asheville! – Just in case you missed it, there was a bear climbing a tree on Biltmore ave right downtown. The police taped off the sidewalk around the tree and eventually it came on down, and exited the area. It was fucking blazed.
7) Death Toll – “Good lord, Stu, why you gotta put a death toll on your positive list?” Because it’s super-low here in Buncombe county. And I still believe that — get this — ***fewer*** people dying is better — that’s right I said BETTER — than ***more*** people dying. Crazy as that might sound, it’s what I believe. So, way to go, Buncombe County and Asheville, WNC! Your death count is low and has remained steady for over a month.
I know how much you miss being around each other, but the longer we stay apart, the sooner we can get back together, if that makes any sense.
8) WAITAMINUTE! Just Figured Out That I Live Within 3 Miles of Storm Rhum Bar and Bistro – You still doing free delivery in that radius, Jay?
9) Brown Eggs are Local Eggs and Local Eggs are Fresh – I just called in an order to Vivian for a dozen local eggs from Dry Ridge Farm, plus some local lettuce and house made bacon.
10) House Made Bacon – Holy fuck, Y’all. Chef Josiah McGaughey is making some bacon in-house that is to die for. I can’t wait to cook me some bacon and eggs! Oooh! I also bought some Annie’s Bakery bread from French Broad Food Co-op, and I have some incredible cheese from Vermont in the fridge. Here comes the world’s greatest sandwich! Oh my gahd, I still have pickles from Sand Hill Kitchen… the world’s greatest sandwich just got even more greatester!
Yeah, I guess you could say that food is still there for me as a thing that makes me feel better during these shit times.
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Thanks for reading!
If you want to, no presh, you can tip me for my writing or for whatever reason you want, through Venmo at Stu-Helm, or through Paypal at firstname.lastname@example.org
Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.
2 thoughts on “This Positive List Includes a Death Toll”
beware dressing squirrels. its a slippery slope.