I write and post a lot of lists for my friends on my personal Facebook page that the general public never gets to see. I write “Positive Lists,” lists of “Things to Do,” and lists of “Pets I wish I had but Never Will.” Random shit like that. Since there’s a fuck of a lot less food in my life to write about, I’ve decided to start publishing some of those lists here on my blog for everyone to see. I hope you will enjoy them. Here’s one I wrote this morning…

Positive List…

1) Liquid Bandaid – Have you used this shit? Dawn introduced it to me. She called it “life changing.” I laughed. Then it changed my life.

2) Marijuana – Have you used this shit? My friend Adam introduced it to me. He called it his “Dad’s stash.” I laughed. A LOT. And yes, it changed my life.

3) Sunshine – Whaaaa? Stu Helm giving a shout out to Sunshine on a positive list?!? Well, I hate it, but er’ry once’t in a while the sun has been poking its face out the clouds, and keeping, like 99.9% of the rest of my friends and family from killin’ theyselves, so thank you, Sunshine.

4) Flowers – I might as well go full-Hallmark Cards and give praise to flowers. They’re pretty. And some of them smell good. Whatevs.

5) Garbage & Sewer – Things were getting a little saccharine, so let’s go ahead and give a shout-out to all the people, plans, systems, machines, and yes, even the chemicals, that deal with our garbage and our poops and all that unpleasantness. I’d sooner give up flowers and sunshine than functional sewers.

6) Neighbors! – Y’know… I give them a hard time on Facebook because their cats shit in my yard, their dogs bark at the wind, their thumping bass music drives Dawn a little crazy, and their dryer sheets can trigger my migraines, but you know what? I friggin’ love my neighbors! We exchange gifts over the holidays. We’ve provided food to each other during this crisis. Some of them are just like family to both myself and my mom, so YAY for my neighbors!

7) Outer Space – Even when everything here on Earth seems effed-up beyond all repair, outer space remains a cold, uncaring, mind-blowingly boundless expanse of mystery and questions, with tinges of horror, danger, excitement, and despair… and any time I want to, I can watch a very informative Youtube video about it.

8) Spellcheck – Y’all. You don’t even know the struggles I’ve seen.

9) The Word “Y’all“ – I’m from Massachusetts. I’ve lived in Western North Carolina for nearly 15 years, and I just gave myself permission to use the word “Y’all” last year. I did that mostly because it’s handy as a gender-neutral alternative to “you guys,” and also because it’s fun, and most of my friends use it. I guess there’s no joke here. I’m just straight-up grateful for the word “y’all.” Weird.

10) Y’all – This time I mean ALL OF YOU! Holy shit, without YOU, my friends from Westboro, Brookline, Boston, Chicago, Asheville and all over the country and world, wether we knew each other back in the day, lived together, never met, or just fist-bumped at an extremely loud stoner rock show once, I am so grateful for all of you!

Ew. I slipped into Hallmark Cards territory again. Oh well, this list does not go up to 11, so I’ll have to leave it at that.

These lists are intended to make you laugh, I hope they do. I also hope that they help you to think of positive things to add to your lists during these difficult times.

EW! It happened again! GROSS! I need to listen to some gg allin or something…

— end —

Thank you!

If you want to, no presh, you can tip me for my writing or for whatever reason you want, through Venmo at Stu-Helm, or through Paypal at stuhelmavl@gmail.com

From left: Chef Jacob Sessoms of Table; Chef William Dissen, The Market Place; Chef Steven Goff, Standard Foods; Chef Katie Button, Curate; Chef Joe Scully, Chestnut and Corner Kitchen; Stu Helm; Chef John Fleer, Rhubarb; Chef Karen Donatelli, Donatelli Bakery; Chef Peter Pollay, Posana Cafe; and Chef Matt Dawes, Bull & Beggar./ Photo by STEWART O’SHIELDS for ASHVEGAS.COM

Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.