SUBJECT: TROLLS – “The Bugg Report”


Hello, Asheville!

I like to write about two things: Food and Trolls. This piece is about the latter, so if you don’t wanna read about an obnoxious local Troll who wished for me to die, then go no further. If you do want to read about an obnoxious local Troll who wished for me to die, then press on, my friend, and … let’s talk Trolls!


Trolls are so gross. You know who I’m talking about: Those unhappy internet douche-nozzles who delight in provoking people in chat rooms, message boards, and comment sections, with posts that are intended to illicit a negative emotional response. Trolls are infuriating to anyone who has encountered them. They irk on many levels, for lots of reasons. One of the most annoying characteristics of the average Troll is their own conviction that they are clever, and that have have gotten one over on the rest of the dumb world with their cleverness, when in fact, they take the basest actions imaginable, and administer high-fives to themselves and each other when they get the the most obvious and predictable reactions.

Let’s take for example an apparently well-known local Troll — though unknown to me at the time — who’s actual name seems to be Jason Bugg. My introduction to Mr. Bugg came when he recently tweeted that he wished I would die, then in true Troll fashion, publicly trumpeted his own series of epic victories when I reacted in a perfectly normal way to his completely abnormal tweet.

Here’s our entire Twitter exchange, starting with my own innocuous post about some cafes that were open during snowmegedon:

Stu Helm (@StuHelmFoodFan)
Jason Bugg (@BuyMeABurrito)
I hope Stu crashes on the way out for food.…
Stu Helm (@StuHelmFoodFan)
@BuyMeABurrito what’s that supposed to mean?…
  Jason Bugg (@BuyMeABurrito)
@StuHelmFoodFan it means I wish a fiery death upon you. I didn’t think that I was that vague, pal.

Let’s stop here for a moment to examine Mr. Bugg’s super-annoying Trollishness. Typical of his ilk, he’s expressing disdain, and mocking disbelief that I would be the least bit confused when a total stranger takes to a public forum for the purpose of expressing what appears to be a hateful thought about me. Like any normal person would, I hoped this was not actually the case, so I wanted to be clear about it before responding. And too also, your tweet was kinda vague, actually…  Dick.

Now, since I don’t drive a car, or ride my bike in the snow, I was still a little curious about what kind of “crash” would cause the type of “fiery death” this total stranger was wishing for me, so I tweeted to him…

Stu Helm (@StuHelmFoodFan)
@BuyMeABurrito oh. You’re hoping I crash my car and die?…
Jason Bugg (@BuyMeABurrito)
@StuHelmFoodFan I mean it feels plausible. It’s a lazy thing to imagine, but I’m five bourbons into the day.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-HA! Clarity at last…

“Liquid courage,” some call it.

Being a sad, obnoxious drunk with nothing better to do than harass complete strangers on Twitter, might be another way to put it. Of course, Trolls are notorious liars, so it wouldn’t surprise me a bit if this one was actually five cans of Diet Pepsi into his day, not bourbons, and yelling up the stairs from his basement apartment for his mom to go get him a sixth. I’m not saying that was the case, I’m just saying that it feels plausible. I decided to go with the obnoxious drunk motif in my next Tweet…

   Stu Helm (@StuHelmFoodFan)


Jason Bugg (@BuyMeABurrito)
@StuHelmFoodFan I’ll call an uber for you #sidviciousavatar
Jason Bugg (@BuyMeABurrito)

I was bored already.

“I’ll call an uber for you,” wasn’t a terrible joke, but it didn’t make sense in the context of his original Troll-post, because then, wouldn’t the uber driver also die in the fiery crash? Whatever. His follow-up of “twice!” kinda felt like when someone you just met texts you, and then texts you again, even though your didn’t respond to the previous text. Y’know what I mean? Kinda desperate-y. Anyhoo, I suddenly remembered that I actually had a lot of laying-around-the-house-doing-nothing to catch-up on, so my next Tweet to Mr. Bugg was my last…

Stu Helm (@StuHelmFoodFan)

He went on to Tweet at least 17 more times about me over the course of the day, before finally moving on to what seems to be his true passion in life: Professional Wrestling.

Screen shot 2016-01-26 at 5.52.02 PM

“Mo-o-o-o-m!!! Hurry-up with my Pepsi! Triple H is on!”

The living-at-home-in-his-mom’s-basement motif was starting to feel more and more plausible.

After my final Tweet to Mr. Bugg, I was more or less done with him emotionally, but intellectually I was still curious about this guy, so I did two more things that I think any normal human being would do if a complete and total stranger had wished for their death on a public forum:

• I blocked him from my Twitter account.

• Then I googled: Jason Bugg Asheville.

I found a few 404 errors and dead web addresses, but on one page I read in his own words that he had been a writer of sorts at one point, until he ditched writing so that he could take some job or another, and ever since that job either dried-up or he got shit-canned or whatever, he’s been trying to get back into the writing thing. That kind of explained some stuff, although kinda not really.

Screen shot 2016-01-26 at 1.39.30 PM

The link said, “click here to visit my website.” I clicked there, no web site. :(

Y’see, once upon a time, there were two other local Trolls who decided to pull my pigtails in an effort to get a rise out of me, and they also happened to be a couple of self-styled writers. One of them constantly berated me on Ashvegas and WAX, while the other wrote a review of Hole Doughnuts that took more then a few weird swipes at me for no apparent reason. So — while I do not for the life of me understand why it is the case — it does seem to be the case that some people who consider themselves to be writers like to attack other people who are writing. Like I said, I don’t get it, but I know it’s out there, so when I read Mr. Bugg’s sad bio, at least it wasn’t my first time to this weird rodeo. Yeah, I keep using the word “weird,” because the whole thing is really weird to me.

I’m a friendly person. I’m actually and literally friendsif you can believe that! — with other local writers. Me and Jason Sandford are buddies. Me and Jonathan Ammons do brunch with some regularity. I love running into Tiffany Welsh and Gina Smith at food events, and although I don’t know them as well, I respect MacKensy Lunsford and Matthew DeRobertis very much, and would never consider tweeting about… oh, I dunno… how I was… wishing for their deaths in a fiery car crash?!?

I mean, how fucking weird would that be? Super weird. I think it’s super weird that this Jason Bugg character, who fancies himself a writer, would take to a public forum on social media and state that he actively wishes for another writer’s death. For one thing: Nahhht a great way to build a career as a writer in a small town, or anywhere, in my opinion. Seriously. Why would anybody do that?

Still mildly curious, I looked Bugg up on FaceBook… aaand there he was… here he is…

Screen shot 2016-01-26 at 2.22.14 PM

Ladies and gentlemen… Jason Bugg.

We even have a few mutual friends. Not many, but real friends, actual people that I actually like, so I asked those people — as anyone would — why their friend Jason Bugg might be wishing for my death. I posted screen shots of his tweets on my private FaceBook page, and tagged those people, asking, “Do you know this guy?” Here’s my whole post:

Well, this is certainly unpleasant. _________________ do you know this guy? Any idea why he would decide to tweet about how much he wants me to die in a car crash? Facebook says you’re all friends of his.

That’s it. That’s my whole post. Except for the names of our mutual friends, which have been omitted because they don’t need the hassles, that is the entirety of my FaceBook post. Later on, in one of his 17+ Tweets about me, Mr. Bugg — who saw that post — called it “whining.”

My long-time theory is that Trolls have a hard time deciphering human emotions, which not only makes them super annoying to the rest of us, but also makes it really hard for them to find and keep friends. Here are some of the things that people who know him said in response to my whining on FaceBook

If that’s really Jason Bugg, and it likely is, we’ve all had our run-ins with him. I’ve blocked him on several social media sites.

Blocked him years ago.

He is such a tool, I know him.

I’m laughing bc he is a turd. Everyone around town knows he is a dick.

I never liked him

He’s an asshole

Bugg is that guy that shows up at your scene and talks a lot in your face about how big and how important he is, while contributing absolutely nothing.

I hate that Jason Bugg guy, he sucks so much.

That guy is the biggest turd in the world.

He has been saying stupid shit publicly for years

He’s never attacked me, but he did say absolutely horrible things about ______ several years ago.

He’s super insecure and troubled

I just feel sorry for him

Of course, because they like me, my friends were naturally upset that Mr. Bugg wished for my death, so yes, they did poke a little bit of fun at him in the thread. My ex-roommate Mark from Boston may have quoted Dean Wormer from Animal House… li’l bit.

Okay, okay, It’s true! My friends and I shared more than a few LULZ together at his expense, and yes, I admit that it was fun. When Bugg somehow saw our thread, and tried to Troll my friends, I blocked him from my FacBook page too. His next Tweet was hilariously predictable…

Jason Bugg (@BuyMeABurrito)
Hey guys, @StuHelmFoodFan blocked me on Facebook!

Hey Guys, I did the most obvious thing and got the most obvious results!

Blocking people from my social media network who wish for my death and then troll my friends is not a big deal. If a fly comes into my house and wants to touch me and my friends with its wee little shit-feet, I shoo it out the window, and close the screen. I suppose that the fly might stand on the sill outside the window and exclaim “YAAAAASSSSSSS!” and brag to the “guys” about how he irritated the humans until they shooed him out of the house and closed the screen, but, y’know… who cares?

Screen shot 2016-01-26 at 2.57.52 PM

No longer able to see any of my social media posts, Mr. Bugg was left to whine about me and my friends on Twitter to an audience who seemed largely not to give one single shit.

Das Drew (@DasDrew)
@BuyMeABurrito Who’s Stu Helm?

Finally, the drunken / Diet Pepsi fueled flames of his Trollish rage sputtered out into nothingness, and the usual Triple H fantasies were allowed to come nuzzling back into his frontal lobes.

The average lifespan of the common housefly is 28 days. The average number of tweets made by an angry Troll on any given subject until they figure out that absolutely nobody cares? Around 17.

People say ignore Trolls, and for the most part I agree. On social media, or in un-moderated comment sections, they are best left to spin-around in circles until they die-out on their own, like a tiny dust-devil, full of bluster, but not worthy of the Weather Channel.

Sometimes, however… every oncen’t in a great while… I come across a Troll who is such a classic turd-in-the-punch-bowl, who’s been actively hating on the local community for years, attacking people that I know and love in public forums and social media… and I say, “No. Fuck that guy.” Then I do the only thing that ever seems to really work: I write about them on a public forum that they can not contribute to.

It drives them nuts.

Mr. Bugg can read this blog post, but he can’t respond. Not here anyways, because any comments he might hope to make on my blog would be moderated by exactly one person: ME.

Am I gonna let an angry loser write bullshit comments about me on my own blog? Fuck no. He and any other Trolls can go bitch about me on WAX or whatever. Here in my house, I allow myself to complain about the flies without letting them back in for the discussion.

The point of this post is not to engage with Mr. Bugg, or give him yet another forum to express his weird hateful wishes. The point of this post is simple: When he reads it — which I am 100 percent confident he will — he’ll feel a million different crazy emotions, including rage, shame, impotence, alienation, regret, anxiety, depression… a hangover… but he won’t be able to express any of his emotions here, or anywhere that I will actually see them. He’s on the other side of the window screen now, and no matter how much he froths and rages to the other flies, I won’t hear a word. That’s really funny to me.

In other words: I did it for the LULZ.


My advice to any fellow humans out there who are being pestered by Trolls is to block them from your social media, and then consider writing about your experiences with them in a safe place such as your own blog, your private FaceBook page, or any forum in which the Troll can not respond. Take it from me, it’s fun — really fun — and it feels good to get it out of your system.

In the meantime, if I was ever to meet Jason Bugg, would he approach me and shout angrily in my face, “I hope you die and fiery car crash!!!”

I kind of doubt it. Trolls are an internet phenomenon. The last time I met a Troll in person, he tried to make nice with me, and even extended his hand. I extended my middle finger.

Would I do the same to Jason Bugg? I dunno, but I’ll never forget that the very first interaction he chose to have with me was wishing for my fiery death on Twitter.

Thaaat’s a little bit of a bridge burner.

— END —

IMG_0273Stu Helm is an artist, writer, and podcaster living in Asheville, NC, and a frequent diner at local restaurants, cafes, food trucks, and the like. His tastes run from hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese, to haute cuisine, and his opinions are based on a lifetime of eating out. He began writing about food strictly to amuse his friends on Facebook.


External links:


One thought on “SUBJECT: TROLLS – “The Bugg Report”

  1. brilliant piece stu! i think you were absolutely right to defend yourself, and then remove him from your online community. trolls are bullies, and i feel it’s incredibly important to stand up to bullies. i have engaged with jason in defense of a friend he tried to publicly humiliate, and had i seen the interaction, i would’ve defended you as well. social media is not a weapon…. and i feel sorry for people who don’t get that.


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